Rosey

I was so glad for Gavin's game to be over tonight, so I could get out of the oppressive heat and into a climate controlled environment. I'm such a wimp. 

Gavin was really feeling the heat too, but he had more of a reason to be as bright as this pretty Pincushion flower. You see, his baseball team tries to get kids to play in a variety of positions... to see where kids naturally excel and to give everyone a chance to try their hand at everything.

But Gavin loves to catch. He caught for all of Tuesday's game and all but one inning tonight. All of those pads are hot. He is a sweaty mess at the end of each game... and his cheeks are more than just rosey. He's red.

And like my vibrant little flower, Gavin is reaching out too... trying new things. Trying his hardest to be the best that he can be. In our garden and in our life it's so much fun to see things grow and blossom.

Jackson

This is Jackson. He is a sweet dog who has been with Monte and Me for 8 years. He had a sad beginning that lead him to what I hope is a happy ending.

As a puppy he was mistreated by his people. Like many labs, Jackson was a very high energy puppy with a touch of separation anxiety. I believe his owners didn't know how to deal with those things and eventually just didn't care for him properly.

In the end, he wound up at the local veterinary clinic with a severe leg injury. He ended up needing major surgery, which left him with a pin in his little puppy leg.

The surgery and subsequent treatment was a painful ordeal for little Jackson. The first time I met him, I remember being struck by how sweet he was, despite his pain. He was also loving to those humans caring for him, despite his experiences that lead him to surgery. That and he loved Kermit THEE Frog.

We couldn't resist him, and Jackson became a permanent part of our family after his treatment was completed at the vet, in 2002.

Jackson still loves to play, even though the arthritis in his hip is painful. He doesn't whine about it. He isn't ornery, cantankerous or distant. He's happy despite his challenges. He loves his people... and we love him right back.

Some of us love Jackson more than others... He and Ellie have a... strained relationship. She's just not so sure about him, and most of the time, she feels the way she looks in this picture.

She's getting better. And I can see that Jackson is happy that he's beginning to win her over. Every now and then, when she's not paying much attention, he'll steal a kiss on her leg or foot. It's sweet. He wants to love her, but he knows she'll be upset, so he does his very best to contain his affection.

Jackson is growing gray around the muzzle. I think he looks wise in his old age. But he still acts like a pup... Racing too and fro, taking every opportunity to play with all of us. I really think this is a happy time for him, and that makes me very happy too. With any luck, Ellie will turn the corner and grow in her fondness of him... which I think will be the icing on his cake.

Spontaneous

If I were describing myself, one word that I would not use is spontaneous. I wouldn’t call myself rigid, but I’m one of those people who would rather have things figured out in advance. I’m a list gal. I’m a planner.

If there’s one thing my kids have taught me, it’s that not everything can be planned. Some things just happen. Actually a lot of things just happen, but even so I’m usually not caught completely off guard. But last night was different. I surprised myself.

Monte and Gavin were at a ball game. That’s a regular thing for us these days... either Gavin is playing and Monte is watching or vice-versa. With the baseball boys away, that left Benett, Elle and I at home. We had a few things to do outside, and those two are happy to indulge me. So we picked cherries. We climbed on the fence. We picked lettuce. We weeded the raised beds and checked the gopher trap. They were helpful in their smallish ways.

The last thing I wanted to do was give the perennial bed on the South side of the house a good soak. It dries out quickly especially on warm and windy days like yesterday. As I was watering, Benett somehow came between the end of the hose and the flowers. It was a cold jolt that made him squeal in delight. Ellie couldn’t resist the fun either. And me… well as it was happening, my thought process went something like this:

I really shouldn't be doing this.

They’re both going to be soaking wet.

I’m going to have a mess when they get in the house.

It’s really windy. I’m sure they’re chilly.

I shouldn’t be encouraging this.

Every time I need to water the flowers, they’re going to expect this.

But then… I couldn’t help but laugh. Their revelry was completely contagious. They were both having so much fun, and when I stopped trying to convince myself that this whole thing was a bad idea, I realized that I was having fun too. 

Their deep, contented belly laughs must have carried on the breeze to the neighbor's house... Benett, with his brazen little self threw his head back and laughed to the sky. Ellie, tucking her arms at her side racing through the dancing water. They were both loving it. They were both grinning from ear to ear, running up and down the sidewalk as I squirted them with water.

I was wishing that I had my camera with me to capture the looks of pure delight on their sweet little faces. I wished I could stop the Earth from turning and keep all of us in that moment for a long, long time. I wished I could scoop them both into my arms and tell them how very much I love them... and be reassured to know that they understood it all the way to their middle... and even more, I wished they knew what my love for them really meant. I wished Monte and Gavin were there to be with us in that moment so I could hold them tight too.

Alas, I didn't have my camera. My heart feels the burden of being solely responsible for remembering yesterday. Remembering the looks on their faces. Remembering their laughter. Remembering them the way they were in that moment. Remembering what it feels like to have love bursting from my being... feeling my soul and how it connects me to my children.

That moment will live in my heart. I've tucked it way, safely under an emotional lock and key. Even if one day I don't remember that special spontaneous moment... when the details of that summer night are fuzzy, and with the passing of time that moment becomes all together forgotten, the feeling in my heart will live on as long as I do... 

No matter how careful or meticulous, that's just something that can never be planned. I'm sure I'll always be a list gal, but I'll never take spontaneity for granted.

Carefree

I was under some misguided impression that summer was filled with 'lazy days' and 'carefree fun.' Something seems to be awry, because our July is shaping up to be anything BUT lazy or carefree.

It may be a new phenomenon, but it seems as though we are becoming a little less anti-social... just maybe... We are booked up every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, each Saturday and most Sundays.

Looks like these three cheese balls are going to get a little social interaction time. I apologize in advance to those of you who we'll be spending time with in our busy July.

Do you like the tractor shirts? The little people love them! Benett's worn his twice in three days. We had to bribe him to take the shirt off the first night. Trust me, if it hadn't been so dirty I would have let him sleep in it... if only to put off the fight about taking it off for the next morning. It's amazing how much more tolerant I can be after a few hours sleep and a cup of coffee. It's like magic.

Garden Love

All of the kids enjoy time outside. For Gavin, time spent playing in the sand or dirt has been traded for time practicing baseball. He's in love with that sport. When we're outside, he'll ask anyone and everyone to pitch to him. He loves to play catch too. It's all he seems to think about when he's outside.

Benett loves to be in the garden. As we finish eating our dinner, he will invariably ask, "Can we go play in the garden?" To which my answer is a resounding, "YES!" I love that time too.

Lately, he's been enjoying 'pruning' my trees. He also likes to dig random holes. These aren't holes in which to place plants, these are just random holes. Everywhere. It's like my refuge is being booby-trapped. Between him and the gophers... let's just say I have my hands full putting things back in order.

Ellie is a garden lover too. I've realized that I'm much more easy going with the little people in the garden now. (So sorry, Gavin.) I used to be a little bit... let's just say I wasn't so relaxed about where little feet step and what they step on. I've let go of that baggage. They can pretty much go anywhere. Do anything. And Ellie is taking that to the extreme. She likes to eat dirt. We're working on that one... I'm afraid that she's seen Benett eat too much off of the floor. *Sigh....

Despite all of the baseball playing, hole digging, dirt eating little people who step on anything and everything, my garden is in bloom. The mint has officially taken over. The chives are spreading like weeds. And we're loving every second of it.

Treasure

I've been looking forward to today for a week.

Today was Great Aunt Minnie's estate sale. I just knew there would be some treasures to be found. I didn't know what exactly we'd come across, but I did know that throughout her 87 years, Minnie has been a crafty gal.

From painting to sewing to needle craft, there were supplies that told the tale of so many projects. Some were unfinished, waiting on a closet shelf for someone to take home and lovingly finish. The quilt tops... they seem to have a story all their own. I wasn't ready to help finish telling that story. They were a little intimidating. But the spools upon spools of thread were calling to me. These little beauties are all silk. The colors just pop.

Each of the spools are wooden, which I love. They speak of another place. A time when things were simpler. Slower and more deliberate. Each of them were marked $.25. They're precious.

Even Benett seemed to understand that these little things were special. He sat close by me on the floor as I snapped pictures. He couldn't not touch the little treasures. But he was a quieter version of himself. Knowing to be careful... that he should use his most gentle touch.

We also found buttons. So many buttons. I'm not sure what project these things will be used for, but I know that I'll think of Great Aunt Minnie the entire time.

Avid

Gavin has become an avid reader. It's not unusual to find him sitting, cross-legged, on the floor reading a book or magazine. It's something that I'm so proud and happy to see.

I love to read as well, but as a young child it was a chore. It didn't come easily at first and because I was slow, it was frustrating. I remember seeing my cousin, who was younger than I, quickly and confidently read passages with little apparent effort. You see, she was a faster reader. I equated fast with good.

The curriculum in Gavin's school involved timed reading activities. During the school year, Gavin brought home passages that he was to read in one minute. We'd count the number of words he could correctly read in that minute and record the results. He had three chances to improve his 'score.' It was a reading race.

That exercise was something that I didn't really care for. We seemed to be placing more of an emphasis on saying the words quickly than we did on actually understanding the passage. We seemed to forget that reading without understanding and comprehending is a waste of time. What good is it to read fast if you don't have any idea what it is that you just read?

It all brought back memories of my own slow reading. I was sure that this boy, who thinks everything is a race, would become one of those kids who speeds through reading as a monotone exercise. A race to the end, with no inflection. No emotion. No joy.

But there is joy. There is delight in a story. There is fascination in the words. There is a sense of empowerment that I can see in him. He can be independent when he reads. He can understand. It's that independent streak in him, and in the 7-year-old version of myself, that keep us reading... building those pictures in our minds that the printed words on the page inspire... and keep us coming back for more, no matter how fast or how slow we might read the words.

Cheers

Today was one of those days where everything seemed to take forever. Traffic didn't move fast enough.When I finally got to work, my computer wouldn't boot fast enough. When it was booted, I couldn't seem to type fast enough to get all of the work done that I wanted to accomplish.

When we did decide to take a quick break for lunch, it was anything BUT quick. We waited an hour and 10 minutes for our food (a salad and a burger) only to get frustrated and ask for it in a to-go box... From there I had to rush back to work, sit at my desk and try to eat my salad quickly so that I could get to my next meeting.

When we finally got home, I couldn't seem to do anything fast enough for the little people... Ge them in the house, get them a little snack, get dinner made... they were just STARVING. It was one slow thing after the next.All. Day. Long.

Even though everything, at the time, seemed painfully slow, the day (and this week) moved at break-neck speed. It was all a blur, with barely a moment spared in reflection. Somehow it became Friday. We're all ready for a couple of days at a self-inflicted slow pace. Not the frustrating kind... I'm thinking of the easy, summery kind where schedules are thrown to the wind and we do what ever strikes our fancy.

That slow and easy pace is something that all of us are ready to raise a glass to. The kids... well their glasses were filled with water. Mine tonight... well that will be filled with something more of the fermented variety. Cheers!

Worried

The transition times are difficult for the little people. Transitioning from home to daycare in the morning and vise-versa in the evening, is trying. Ellie cries and wants to be held. Benett is whiny. Getting everyone home at the end of the day is my least favorite part of our routine right now.

Though the transition is less than ideal most nights, if I can get the two little ones distracted in play, they quickly forget that they're unhappy. Which makes preparing dinner considerably easier.

Most of the time, Benett is so engrossed in his own little world of play that quite a lot gets past him. Tonight though, he was a little more nervous. Perhaps it was the ominous looking clouds that have been hovering over us all day... Tonight he was needy. He needed his mama.

Me: trying to get out to the garage, to bring in Ellie's pacifier.

Benett: "No Mommy! Don't go."

Me: "Benett, I'll be right back. I just have to go to the car."
Benett: "But Mama*, don't leave me. I'll get lost..."

He was so scared. He was doing his best to use words to convey his message. He just didn't want to be left behind. No matter what.

Me: "I'll never leave you Benett. No matter what."

Benett: "Okay mama."

*I never really thought of myself as a "mama."

But I have to say, I love it when the little people call me that.

Summer

This year we've decided not to spend a week of our summer at the lake. It wasn't a very difficult decision to make... it's a lot of work taking three kids (especially two of them) out of their element and disrupting the routine.

The thought of Benett and Ellie missing their naps for a week is enough reason, in and of itself, to stay put at home.

Although the decision wasn't difficult, we'll still miss our getaway. There is a distinct feeling about being away on the annual summer vacation that you just don't get at home... the carefree feeling of a boat gently rocking. The tired feeling from a day of swimming and having fun. The vastly different surroundings... sounds... you know.. that vacation feeling.

Gavin is so small in this picture. I'm trying to remember how old he was... he must have been 4 (and a half). It seems like a lifetime ago that he was so small. I remember loving this moment, even though it may not look like it... I was deep in thought. Thinking about how nice it was for my boy to sit quietly and want to be held. I think I found more comfort in that moment than he did.

Maybe that's really what makes vacation week so special... realizing just how much the family you're spending time with is a comfort and a joy. And a gently rocking boat.

Giggle

She's 15 months old now, and each morning when we pluck Ellie from her crib it becomes more and more noticeable that she's a little less of a baby and more of a little girl.

That transformation is fun. That transformation is bittersweet. The little baby who used to fit perfectly in the bend of my arm is now a squirming 25 pound person with opinions and ideas. (Mostly about food.)

I love my little Elle. She is a sweet child who is so strikingly different from her brothers. It's amazing and fascinating to watch her... especially the way she nurtures and cares for her babies.

I'm just a little bit surprised that she's so nurturing and loving, and that she's not completely jaded. You see, her brother is a tormenter, who seems to revel in her dismay. I'm not sure how Ellie manages to squeeze out even the smallest giggle on some days. Benett just can't leave her be... I can't even tell you how many times I say to him, "Back OFF!" Or have to physically move him away from her and distract him with another activity.

If she is happily playing with something, he needs to have it.
If she is enjoying a drink out of her favorite pink sippy cup he steals it from her.
If she's dancing, he's pushing her.
If she's sitting, he's sitting on her.
It's. Never. Ending.

She puts up with it so well. I could learn a lesson in patience... although when backed into a corner, she screams at the top of her lungs... and let me tell you... that girl has got a healthy scream. Really. It's loud. Ear piercing. So much so, that it scared Benett to tears yesterday. And to tell you the truth, I wasn't the least big upset about that. Maybe he'll think twice the next time...

A little piece of advise for you, Benett... If there are two things you DO NOT want to mess around with... Karma and a little sister. Both will eventually catch up with you.

Blessed

My life has been blessed with several very special people. We celebrated the dadness of two of them today.

Monte, it's true... you are a fabulous dad. You see, I don't think you really realize how amazing you are. Day in and day out, you are a steady calm place in our wild and crazy life. You are so patient. You are so loving. You are so calm. You are teaching our children great life lessons.

I'm so happy to be on this parental journey with you. I wouldn't want it any other way.

And to my dad, I love you. Always have. Always will. Words don't do justice what you mean to me... what you mean to all of us... so I won't try to tap out something that can only half say what is welling up in my heart. Just know. It's big. It's a lot.

Happy Fathers' Day. I love you both.

Quirks

This week at work we had a little excitement. A little wildlife making a home in the loading dock area. These six little skunks were cute. Despite their flaws, their defense mechanisms, they were adorable. The kind of adorable that makes one actually consider what it might be like to have a skunk as a pet.

It made me think about my own little ones. How the young versions of themselves make their many flaws cute. The kind of things that on adults are considerably less cute. Need an example? I'll give you five:

1. Benett's freakishly hairy back. He's got some serious fur. On an adult... not cute. 
2. Ellie's habit of eating things off of the floor. Forget about the 5 second rule, she doesn't discriminate.
3. Gavin's tendency to wear his pants entirely too high. Can you say snuggie? On an adult... not cute.
4. Benett's inability to keep his cleavage hidden. And he isn't a plumber.
5. They all pick their noses. I'm not proud... It's gross at any age... but somehow more forgivable when they're little.

My kids all have adorable moments. I love each of them so much... quirks and hairy backs and all. (By the way, there are more than 5 quirky things about my kids, but I'll spare you all of that today.)

Stages

It has been so much fun watching as Benett tries to figure out how to be the big boy version of himself. Each day he discovers new things that he didn't know he could do.

He's developing so fast... part of me is excited to see the transformation. The other part of me is a bit sad that my little boy is getting so independent. He hasn't been a baby for a long time, and it's clear that he isn't a toddler anymore either... *sigh...

I've enjoyed each stage of the kids' development. I can say that now. When I was in the middle of some stages it wasn't so much fun. But looking back is always a treasure. It feels good to laugh about some things that were significantly less funny at the time.

I don't remember the potty training thing for Gavin being so easy. I know I didn't help that... we didn't have a strict routine. We were too laid back for a quick transition from diaper to undies. Part of that was my doing. At the time, we weren't expecting other children. So as crazy as it sounds, I didn't mind all of the diapers. I didn't necessarily want that to come to an end.

For Benett, the routine at the Center has made the transition much quicker. He's become quite independent about the potty. He can take care of most things on his own. (Although I like to be in the room to make sure that no funny business is going on... and because watching him try to put his undies back on is always good for a laugh.)

I think I'm being brave about this transition for Benett. I'm not so sure how I'll feel when it's Ellie's turn... I'm still content for her to be my baby, and when that ends... well... I'm not sure how I'll feel.

Identity

Today I had several meetings, in a new office, with my new associates. It was fun. It was invigorating. It was an opportunity. It is an opportunity... an opportunity to reinvent myself.

In my head, this is not unlike going to college. There too, I had an opportunity to shed my identity and replace it with a new and improved version of myself.

Over the years in my current office setting and corporate culture, I've formed routines. Settled myself into a niche... with the environment, and my desire to survive in it, shaping me.

This new office presents new opportunities... to use what I've already learned about this industry that I'm involved in... lend those bits and pieces I've picked up along the way towards a new purpose... That's powerful stuff.

I'm feeling surprisingly at ease through all of this change and transition. It's all so new. Fresh. And that feels pretty good.