Three

All day long I've been looking at Benett and thinking about what was happening three years ago, at that particular moment. How we woke in the morning with no power... How the contractions felt at 10 AM... How they felt at 3 PM... How the epidural felt. How I told the anesthesiologist that I could kiss him.

I know that just before11 PM tonight I'll be recalling the same feeling I had three years ago at that same time... the feeling that my heart was now on the outside of my chest. That my life was forever changed. That this small person is my reason. My reason for everything.

It sounds very cliché, but he really has grown so fast. I look at him today and see this boy. A funny, smart, sweet little boy. He's not a baby any longer.

I've been there for as much as I could have in these three years... but I feel like I didn't soak it all in the way I should have. He's three already, but how did that happen? When did he grow up? I can't remember. I just can't recall... enough. I want to replay it all.

I know that if I did have the ability to rewind things, I would still have this feeling. I would still feel like I don't have enough. Like I've missed something... maybe something small. Maybe something really big and important... but something nonetheless.

Birthdays have become very bittersweet for me. That is probably true for all mothers. These days take us back... to reflect and feel. To think and love. To enjoy.

I love that the little boy who came much too quietly into the world three years ago, is now entirely too loud most of the time.

I love the boy that Benett has become. I miss the baby that he was. I look forward to enjoying what he will still become. And tomorrow I'll miss today... So I'll try even harder to commit as much of the now to memory. To take the time to relish each moment. The big moments as much as the small.