Purpose

Sometimes life is tough. Not fair. There are times when parts of life seem all out crummy. 

But just when things feel like they're never going to go "my way" again, something happens to highlight the preciousness of it all. As if God came through and highlighted a single line on the page of my life to show me what was right before me.

Highlighting the part that is worth fighting through the tough stuff.

Highlighting the part that is never crummy, no matter the situation.

Highlighting the essence of life... purpose.

Life doesn't always go to plan, following the straight and clear route that it "should." It winds and drifts, taking detours along the way. Introducing us to new people and places and experiences. Changing us along the way.

That process can be exciting... or frustrating... or scary... depending on the day and what's at stake. 

What doesn't change is the purpose. Keeping that purpose... essence... in full and clear view is the tough part... but the part that is never crummy, no matter the situation and at the end of it all, it's what we cherish most.

Tweenish

He used to squeal with delight, as a small boy, when his mama and daddy would surprise him with a big smooch. One on each cheek, making a little boy sandwich.

He used to wear this sparkling, contagious smile at all times of the day. Especially at 5:30 AM when he'd be wide awake and ready to start his day, regardless of the sleeping habits of his adults.

He loved perching on my lap, snuggling in for as long as he could remain still. (Which was never long enough for his mama.) His hand always able to find mine, holding tight in only the way a little boy can hold his mommy's hand.

He was this little boy who emanated life and love and pure joy.

Gavin remains a happy child, but in a different way... toned down, tweenish. Lovely in his own, new way.

I don't know when it happened; maybe it didn't happen all at once, maybe it was gradual. But somewhere along the way those things that seemed to define him as a little boy have faded away. As he grew, those things about him diluted or evolved.

Back then, in the moment, I took those things for granted. Didn't soak them up the way I should have, because now that they're gone, I want nothing more than to go back and enjoy them all over again.

You see, now he doesn't really care for big smooches so much. He's okay with a peck on the cheek or forehead, but not much more. (Although he's a great hugger.) He just shows his affection differently.

He still wears a big smile and is filled with more energy than I can even imagine... but it's tempered. Still happy as only Gavin can be, just a little different.

He snuggles a bit, and will even hold my hand on occasion... when nobody is looking. (Which is never often enough for his mama.)

Last night when I went down to check on him one last time (to make sure he wasn't reading too late into the night) I realized that I couldn't recall the last time I could really give him a big smooch, without the auto-response, "Mo-ommm..." It made me miss that little boy Gavin and appreciate the 10-year-old version all at once. I also felt like all of this happened overnight.

In reality, it didn't. We were busy living life when things just began to shift.

It scares me to think that if I have this thought 10 years from now, he'll be an adult, living a new adventure.... and that.... that brings me back today and will help me to appreciate now. Smooching him as much as I can, holding his hand when I can, hugging him tightly always... regardless of the tweenish objections.

Mending

This picture says it all.

It's been cold. Unimaginably cold.

We're in the winter weather equivalent to the dog days of summer. Where the cold and wind and snow seem endless. So conditioned are the hearty folks that live in this part of the world, that at minus single digits, it seems 'warm enough' to get the kids outside to play... bundled in layer upon layer of winter-weather gear. If only for 15 minutes.

The upside to the cold and snow and wind, is that we have these drifts that are gargantuan. This beauty has encased our small stand of apple trees, the tallest of which you can see poking through the top of the mound of snow. The smallest... well those may not reappear for quite some time. Our little barn is nearly buried as well. These snow drifts are awesome for making snow forts. The snow is hard packed and sturdy. Digging a small cave big enough to curl up in is something I recall from my own childhood. And just like all those years ago, snow forts are something that kids love.

For me, the upside to this weather is that I don't feel guilty for not being outside... doing something. I am completely content to be in the house, curled up with the little people watching a movie and working on one of those fun little projects I've collected along the way.

This project has been long overdue... every single pair of Benett's jeans need mending. He's just like his older brother (and every other boy on the planet) who has played hard enough to wear holes through the knees of his pants. And I'm just like many moms who refuse to buy new jeans when these holey ones aren't even two months old!

So, we decided to embrace the holes and add a monster mouth. Benett likes the result and I didn't have to buy any new pants, making everyone happy.

And since Benett is a creature of habit, he already has a new hole in the mended pants, and because there is no end in sight to this winter weather... I'll have plenty of time and work to keep me busy.

I suppose that makes everyone happy.

Gift

For Christmas this year, I wanted to give the little people something that was crafted for them. Made just for them, crafted with love. Made for who they are at this moment in time. That was a tough prospect for me, when it came to Gavin. He’s at an age where video games and Legos reign supreme. I wasn't so sure I could make something that he would like and use.

But for Benett and Ellie, that was an easy thing to do. They were in desperate need for a teepee. Maybe “desperate need” is a little bit of a stretch, but they need a place that is all their own, where they can be closed off from the rest of the family to do their own little thing. They have these private little conversations that only they comprehend; playing and imagining, giggling and being silly.

The teepee was the perfect size for them and all of the pillows and blankets that I imagined them dragging in. It was big enough for a mom and a dad and maybe even a big brother, if we were invited. It could be private for them, but close for me. A teepee was just what they needed.

It was easy to put together and both Monte and I were able to get into the fun. It was inexpensive, but doesn’t look ‘cheap.’

The result is a cozy little space that we spend quite a bit of time enjoying. It’s been up long enough to seem like a semi-permanent fixture, although I’m not so sure how I feel about that… but moving it down stairs to the family room would make it less accessible… less fun. So it remains in my living room, where I vacuum around it.

I imagine Benett and I cozying up with a book, buried under blankets, with pillows piled high around us. That hasn’t happened yet, only because I am unable to enter the structure without immediately growing sleepy. The softly filtered light and warmth are perfectly conducive to a little nap, for us adults. For little ones on the other hand, it’s a perfect play-scape for some fantastic adventures.

Gathered

The Christmas holiday is behind us. We gathered with our loved ones, gathered in our faith, gathered in our joy.

Gathering in our faith, Benett and Ellie made an appearance as Mary and Joseph. We had a shepherd in the production as well... Gavin and the other alter server actually performed their duties as shepherds all through mass. They did such a nice job.

There are so few small children who attend our parish, yet these six children were able to keep this tradition that I recall as a child, alive. That part of their symbolism was very moving for me.

We gathered with love.
The little people were so excited to be on the cusp of a gift-opening extravaganza that everyone looked at the camera simultaneously. Nobody teased or blinked or frowned. Nobody minded having pictures taken. I wish I'd snapped even more. It may have been the miracle of Christmas in live form.

We gathered in our Christmas jammies... it's a Christmas eve tradition that my kids get new jammies to sleep in the night before Christmas. They love it, and the control freak in me can rest knowing that Christmas morning pictures will have one less thing for me to worry about.

Not all of us were able to gather for as long as I'd have liked... Poor Gavin was sick. After opening gifts, he was off to find a quite place to rest on Christmas Eve. But don't worry, his jammies were 10-year-old approved.

Yes, the Christmas season is behind us.Well behind us in fact, but I feel that though I'm only now getting caught up with the calendar. I'm always sad to see the season end, but in past years I had work that was demanding my time and attention, forcing me to begrudgingly move on to other things that needed to be done. I didn't have time to dwell.

This year I feel incredibly lucky to indulge in the season a bit longer, without the same kinds of demands on my time as previous years. I'm taking full advantage of it.

So we're still gathering. Gathering ourselves with this sustained Christmas spirit into this new year, gathering our courage, gathering our laughter and humor, gathering our patience and gathering with each other.

Made

I'm a big fan of homemade gifts. There is something really special about the act of giving something made by your own hands. It's important for me that the little people witness the process of making and understand how those kinds of gifts are as important (and in some ways more so) than the newest electronic gadget that tends to cost way too much. It's important that they also understand how receiving a gift that's handmade is like receiving a little part of the person giving the gift.

Every year at Christmastime, I have big plans to make something for everyone on my list. Maybe the item will be significant, or maybe just a small token, but something handmade for everyone is the idea. Every year I fall short. Sometimes my problem is time; it's tough to find the time to get everything done that I would like to do. Other times it's execution, my end result doesn't match the picture I have in my mind.

My gifts typically include knitting or sewing projects and jam or other preserves from our spring and summer efforts in the garden. And although I am giving some of those kinds of gifts again this year, I did fall short of my goal yet again.

However, I did try something new. I tried my hand at vanilla extract. It was very easy to make, the most difficult part of the process being the amount of time it takes to transform from vodka to a baking necessity. But shocking as it may sound, I started the process back in October and was able to bottle my concoction over the weekend. A pretty bottle and a simple tag, and ta-dah! An easy and practical gift for the bakers in my life.

On the heels of this minor success, I should put together my plan for completing hand-crafted gifts for next year. The secret is clearly an early start! Sounds like I have a good reason to spend some additional time on Pintrest in 2014!

Tokens

We enjoyed our second and final Christmas concert of the season. Benett and Ellie both did a great job, belting out their respective songs, even taking some creative liberty with some of the words. It's always entertaining.

Actually, they had their songs down. Both of the littlest people took every opportunity that they had (mostly at the dinner table) to practice. And no matter how many times they repeated the festive carols, we enjoyed the performance. My personal favorite was Ellie's rendition of "Let it Snow." She can sing it beginning to end and even adds a few gestures.

Traditionally, the night of the concert is when the little people visit with Santa. The big man was there yet again and didn't disappoint. Gavin was right there with everyone else, the biggest of all of the little people... actually he was first in line. This year was the first ever that he was even willing to consider a scenario in which there was no chat with Santa.

Gavin had wresting practice that same night and was really torn between which was more important. Ultimately, he decided that if he was one of the first 9 kids in line, he'd wait his turn. If he were #10 or further back, he was willing to skip Santa and go to practice. (Apparently they were going to be working on a new move at practice, something he wasn't keen on missing.)

Ellie's desire to see Santa was solely to avert disaster. She wants a Hello Kitty toy for Christmas. Badly. When she found said toy in the back of the car, she was in shock and dismay when Monte told her the toy was for her cousin. (There were lots of tears.) Her only purpose for visiting Santa was to make sure he KNEW what she wanted, in very specific terms. Very. Specific. When Santa asked if she wanted anything else, she said, "No. Just Hello Kitty." With her wishes made known, she bounded from his lap with candy cane in hand.

I was curious to see how Benett would respond to the typical question... "Have you been a good boy?" Benett opted for denial. His vigorous nodding was compelling, if not accurate. He's trying... some days are better than others... Either way, he shared his wishes for gifts and couldn't have been more thrilled. I think the visit was more akin to a confession of sorts; clearing his conscience and creating a blank slate.

For the most part, I think we're ready for Christmas. I'm to that point where whether I'm done with my shopping and baking or not... I'm ready for Christmas itself. Ready to spend time with loved ones. Ready to enjoy Christmas morning, watching three little people happily ripping into packages delivered by Santa... finding their heart's desire in each box, excited to see and enjoy the tokens of Santa and Mom & Dad's love.

Private

It took them longer that I thought it would, but eventually they noticed the first gift sitting all alone under the tree. They sat quietly under the glowing branches for the longest while, chatting about the parcel and trying to determine just who it was for... eventually Benett spelled it out, but only after the "to:" situation was clarified.

They've always had these quiet little talks; private discussions for just the two of them. I could sit and watch them like that, heads together, working through some important issue with their young perspectives.

I think about Benett and Ellie in terms of twins so often... twins with an 18 month introduction. Benett seems to have always felt this bond with his sister, even before he met her. He was so little, but had this funny connection with my growing belly... like he knew this secret that no one else could fathom.

Their bond is a part of who they are as individuals, although I think that means something different to each of them. I'm sure as they grown that bond will change, but I hope they're always close. I could do without some of the plotting and instigating, but I'm sure in a few years I'll look back and miss even that mischief.

Flawed

Although I love the thought of a real Christmas tree, we have typically opted for an artificial version. I think real trees are so beautiful, but there is something about cutting the tree that seems wasteful. Maybe a little bit frivolous. And yet, this year we decided that we should introduce the little people to the process of cutting our own tree.

I thought it would be fun to wander through a lot, enjoying one another and considering all of the lovely trees. Ultimately, it wasn't quite so idyllic... someone was begrudgingly waking up from an impromptu nap, someone else had to go potty and simply could - not - wait. Monte was recovering from a 12-hour bug and I was upset that my perfect little tree-cutting activity wasn't going to plan. Gavin was a trooper, determined to be the best helper. (Although I think that has more to do with him wanting to be the keeper of the saw than anything else...)

We walked through the little forest of tidily groomed trees and critiqued each. This one is too small, that one is too large. One a bit crooked while another has an awkward bare spot... 

The truth is that each tree was beautifully created just the way it should be, just like each of us... flaws and all. And just like each of us, we can position the tree so that the imperfections are turned towards the back, and seem more charming than glaring... putting the best side forward.

We ultimately settled for a tree that looked to be about the right size. Ultimately, I compromised and let Benett pee in the woods. Gavin used a saw. Ellie stopped crying when she realized there was no way that Mom was going to carry her through the woods, and settled for holding hands.

We all have our flaws... but in the end that's just the way it's supposed to be. Learning to love and even appreciate them is the real treasure.

Smartly

I didn't think he would like to get quite so dressed up for his school holiday concert, but Gavin appreciated dressing smartly. His attire made me appreciate the pure genius that is the tie. It possesses transformational qualities, magically imparting manners and reason, banishing rowdy and rambunctious behavior. Gavin, and his siblings by association, became models of the most refined manners.

Plus he looked handsome. (I think that handsomeness is equal parts tie and manners.)

There is something charming about a reserved child... But truth be told, I feel a little strange being around my kids when they act that way. (It doesn't happen often.) Even though they aren't reserved very often, I do find them charming being themselves. I like that each of them are comfortable in their own skin.

That's the part that I think is so fascinating as we watch Gavin grow. Each day when we think we can predict what he's going to say or how he's going to act, he throws us a curve. It's just because he's trying new things in an ongoing effort to figure himself out. He and I are alike in that regard, I suppose.

So on this day, he was a smart, reserved version of himself. Which Gavin and I both appreciated, on that day, in that moment.

Earned

I have to say, Thanksgiving this year was a big improvement over last year, if only because we didn't spend any of our day at the emergency room. It's been a whole year since Gavin earned his scar.

I say earned because when we're lucky scars come with lessons learned. Gavin will never forget how he earned his scar. I'm not sure he's attempted to climb a tree since that day... but the lesson he learned was to never climb a tree; rather he learned to be aware of his surroundings.

Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's his age, but Gavin seems to be a bit more careful about things. Don't get me wrong, he's still an impulsive child, I'm sure he will always lean that way... he's still rough and tumble and manages to pepper himself with bumps and bruises every day from his extreme boyishness... but he also seem more contemplative about some things. He may even worry a bit... that is something that we talk about, something that will take age and experience to help calm.

For the kid who seldom got worked up about anything, his new found concern about some situations is new. We talk about worry and what it means and how it differs from awareness and concern. I want that to be a lesson learned young.

Hopefully, in the process, I'll be able to take some of my own advise. You see, that scar that Gavin earned is part of me too. Every time I see it, I am reminded of my own lesson. How quickly things can change, how that scar on his temple is a physical representation of luck and resilience and a measure of what is really and truly important in life.

Celebrate

We had reason to celebrate on Thursday; our Thanksgiving holiday was doubly festive. My grandmother, who I always referred to as Gram; who the little people have always referred to as Granny, turned 90.

It was so nice to see her, and in such great spirits. I think she was excited to see everyone... and it was a busy party.

My little people were joined by three other little people... little boys... little boy cousins... little boy cousins who Ellie was happy to give a wide berth all day long. She said she was, "Shy of them." I think it's one thing to hold one's own with two brothers... but add three cousins and there is no chance. So Ellie dined at the adult table. She was delightful. (Meaning: she didn't embarrass her parents.) And the little boys enjoyed their own accommodations, which involved Matchbox cars and talk of video games.

I think about how much Granny has seen in her 90 years. It boggles my mind a little bit to think about how much the world has changed in that amount of time. I'm so thankful that my little people have great-grandparents who can maintain that link to the past. There are so many things to learn from the past. So many things to enjoy about their elders. I know Gavin appreciates those things... the others may be too little. For Benett and Ellie, we talk about the Grandmas and the Grandpas; we visit as often as we're able... I just wish the visits could be more frequent. They'll need those visits, to keep the memories strong enough to grow with them.

It was nice to see my cousins and their little ones. I enjoy that time and it's important for my little people to know their little cousins... even though we don't see them much. It didn't take the kids long to warm up to each other. Before long they were running and playing like fast friends. Miss Ellie was content to color, which seems to be her new favorite activity.

And a party wouldn't be a party without dessert. And I have to admit, pumpkin cake could be a substitute for the traditional birthday cake fare any day! It was delicious... just ask Gavin he 'sampled' each of the dessert options.

This day was like most Thanksgivings in that it involved a bit of work and was over too quickly. We were all ready for a nap by mid-afternoon, Granny especially.

"The"

I love to read, but as a young person learning to read, it was frustrating because it didn't come as quickly or as easily as I'd have liked in the beginning. Eventually, I got the hang of things and was introduced to those choose your own ending books. I would read through them making my choices, and then re-read them making a whole new set of choices to see how different the story would be. That process eventually lead to a great love of reading.

Even with reading being something that I enjoy, when I think about teaching my kids to read, it seems like a daunting task. Both Monte and I read to the little people a lot, but when I think about all of the initial memorization work that is required by the end of the first year of school, it seems impossible.

In reality, I know it is possible... I think my disbelief stems more from thinking of my kids in terms of babies and not independent readers. In fact they are... or are becoming so...

We started reading Paddington Bear chapter books with Gavin when he was about to enter into kindergarten. He loved them and we both really looked forward to our time reading together. As he got older, we graduated to other kinds of books and would take turns reading. He reads at a break-neck pace now, which amazes me. I think a part of his success as a reader is his insatiable thirst for information. He has to know it all. (I tell him he's nosy.) It's also why he is such a great speller... Monte and I would spell out conversations to each other, when we didn't want Gavin to know what we were discussing... we did that until he'd tell us what we were spelling.

Now there is Benett. He is starting to show some real interest in reading as well. Like his brother, he too seems to enjoy reading while shirtless. (I hope that is a normal little boy thing...) He loves to be entertained and wants to be a part of the reading process, but his journey will differ from Gavin's.

We read together and have tried a chapter book; Stewart Little. That process was a little long for him... so we backed away from those bigger books and have been spending our time reading things that are manageable for him. He memorizes the words so he can read too. We started with the word "the." Each time it would occur in the text, it would be Benett's job to read that word. He enjoys being able to read along and that process is translating into recognizing the word in other texts. I love seeing his pride as he builds his reading repertoire.

I think we'll take that reading thing and carry it on in our Christmas gift for Benett. I have an idea formulating in my head... with any luck, I'll be able to execute my vision and create a fun little space just for our newest budding reader.

Somehow

I'm sure it was a steady, gradual pace... but somehow, since the last time I was here, life moved along. As I was looking back, I realized that I didn't have my camera out as much as I'd have liked. I miss having images to reflect back upon. It was a reminder of just how important it is to try and capture the moments.

That being said, I thought maybe a little recap was in order.

We said good-bye to baseball, "enjoyed" a short football season and have now found ourselves with a wrestler in the house. I'm not sure Gavin is practicing his techniques so much as roughhousing. Either way, so far the sport is a good outlet for his seemingly endless supply of energy.

Two birthdays have been celebrated. There are now five and 10-year-old boys in the house. They seem very different from the younger versions of themselves.

Red Velvet cake, his favorite. And according to him, he has a "very sophisticated palette." I guess I agree that his palette and his vocabulary are indeed sophisticated.

Just as his shirt depicts, this child is a meatball. Always has been. I hope he always will be. He turned five just before the start of the school year, being on the bubble, we made the tough decision to not send him to kindergarten. Academically, he's ready. Like every proud mother, I think he's as quick as a whip. 

We just didn't want his young age to catch up with him down the road. There is enough pressure on kids in the school system, without adding an age element to the mix for Benett. 

He's loving preschool and amazes me each day with his inquisitive nature.

Speaking of nature, we introduced a few new gals to the flock. Is it weird that I think they're pretty? I may or may not tell them that. 

He's in fourth grade.

He is a very tall boy.

He can eat his weight in pasta.

He loves to read.

He's sweet and energetic and full of life.

He keeps us all on our toes.

I was a millisecond from capturing something nearly as illusive as Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster... all three of them looking at the camera. At. The. Same. Time. 

I'm convinced that it will never happen.

I'm convinced that for the next several years, if I want a picture of them all smiling and looking at the camera, photoshop will be involved.

Halloween involved a jail bird and two dinosaurs. If you're wondering why I only have a picture of 2/3 of the group, please see the line above.

Last weekend, we had a cookie baking day with Ellie's sweet Godmother, Rosemary. Ellie loves her Godmother... and chocolate spoons... needless to say, she was in heaven all day.

Life certainly did move along while I was on hiatus. Actually, the last year has been filled with change. So many things going on... life does seem like a juggling act sometimes. And like any great act, the show must go on. It may not always be pretty, but it sure is entertaining.

Caught

The summer baseball season is over for us now. I'm not sure who'll miss it more, Gavin or his adoring fans. (Monte & me and the littlest people.) We've grown accustom to spending a couple nights a week at games. It was fun to watch the boys play... and see them improve game to game.

Benett and Ellie enjoyed playing with their baseball friends... the adoring fans of Gavin's team mates. These fun, new friends kept them thoroughly entertained throughout the games.

I know Gavin needs a break, before school starts. Our summer has been moving at a break-neck pace. It will be good for things to slow down a bit... if such a notion is possible.

But in honor of our favorite game, we decided to play our own little version here at home. It's nowhere near as fun as the real thing, but it might just tide us over until our next sporting passion picks up in the fall.