Peek

I'm amazed that we actually made it through the work and school week. Maybe now it's safe to open our eyes and take a peek at what is in store for us this weekend?

If I have anything to say about it, the weekend will be low-key... maybe even relaxing.

Low-key and relaxing aren't exactly the words my kids would like me to use when describing our weekend... So I think we'll go here and let them explore.

(Explore = burn off some energy.)

They'll have fun, and it may be the closest thing to 'relaxing' that Monte and I can get while being out-numbered by children.

Hopeful

Some days are trying. Today I made several attempts to course correct, but things just refused to go my way.

Reading email this morning was for some reason emotional. Trust me, an InBox containing 1,500 plus emails would make anyone want to cry... but that wasn't what had me feeling so helpless. (Right or wrong, emotional = helpless in my little world.)

It wasn't any ONE thing... but the culmination of EVERYTHING. The magnitude of it all. The weight of the burden.

That loss of control is such a challenge for me. It's tough to deal with... so I find myself thinking these silent little prayers. Prayers for peace, patience, a clear path... some kind of direction... the strength to put one foot in front of the other... to figure things out.

Although they may be silent, I know my little prayers don't go unheard. And although I don't intentionally have my hands folded in prayer... fingers intertwined, clasped.... perhaps peacefully... certainly pleadingly... I find my hands folded often on days like today.

You see, I'm impatient. (I know... news flash...) I want to sort things out right away. I don't like things to linger.

Although it didn't happen as quickly as I'd like, I did realize that what I'd earlier perceived as a burden isn't a burden at all. My responsibility may be great, but that's something entirely different... scary, yes, but a burden... not at all.

I'm hopeful that tomorrow will be better. I'm sure it will be... after all, I did manage to clean up some of my email today... So if nothing else, at least I won't have 1,500 emails staring back at me... One small thing that has been sorted out.

Ritual

For the past 12 months, I could count on one thing... A softly lit room and a seat on a comfy chair for Ellie's evening bottle.

I loved the way she looked up at me. And in that quiet time, could see the world in her mystery colored eyes.

Like clockwork, after a couple of minutes her eyelids would become too heavy... her arms would go up and her hands would find her fuzzy blondish hair. I can still tell when she's about to fall asleep, when she plays with her hair.

I still cherish that time. I will forever and always.

But now that she no longer takes a bottle, I've been trying to find a new ritual. Time spent together, just the two of us to quietly reflect on the day. Tonight we figured it out.

We have a different comfy chair now, in Ellie's softly lit room. Listening to music while quietly rocking and reflecting. It's a respite for me... and for Ell? Well it only took her a couple of minutes to put her hands in her hair, silently telling me it is the perfect new ritual for her too.

Slowly

Today everything is instant. Want to watch a movie? Stream one, instantly. Want to talk to someone? Send them an instant message. Want to play a video game? Go online and play instantly. No waiting. Little work.

With all of that on-demand, fast paced content, it's tough to encourage kids to participate and develop a love for things that are markedly slower. Like reading.

Reading is one of those things that requires work. As parents, Monte and I have to work to make time to read every night... We love it and it's become a ritual that we wouldn't want to give up.

Reading is work for Gavin too. He's doing great so far, but he gets frustrated sometimes too. Reading isn't always easy like watching TV or a movie.

But so much better than TV or a movie, reading is a joy that he's learning page by page. Each day there are little triumphs when new words are mastered and recognized. Each day the story of a chapter book grows and develops. It's slow, letting the mind fill in blanks and help to create the story. And each day that love of reading grows a little more. I love that it's slow. I love that it's methodical. I love that he loves it too.

Ahoy

IWe've been practicing. Things have been going swimmingly. (All of the nautical and water references have got to be from the overabundance of rain...soaking into my subconscious.) We're not quite there yet, but I was willing to give the big boy pants a try today.

More and more, Benett just looks uncomfortable in his diaper. Or maybe this is just me wanting him OUT of diapers, more and more? Could it be that I'm manufacturing this idea that he 'looks' uncomfortable?

That must be the case... I hadn't left the room for more than 5 minutes and he'd decided that big boy pants aren't for him... yet.

But aren't they cute? Pirate whales... what two-year-old wouldn't want to wear pirate whale underwear?

Octopi

We don't do it as often as we should. It's traumatic, for me... But today it was time to clip Ellie's finger and toe nails.

That task has got to be some how similar to wrestling with an octopus. Arms flailing... twisting every which way in a desperate attempt to get off of my lap... and yelling. Lots and lots of yelling. (I'm not sure if Octopi yell, but if they had finger nails to be clipped, I'm sure they'd try.... vocal cords or no.)

I'm happy to report that all 10 digits remain in tact, although you'd never guess it by the sounds of things... Benett's up next, so say a little prayer for me. He's a much bigger octopus.

Pins

I had a chance to sew today. A treat to myself on a gloomy day. While I was looking through my fabric for the perfect piece of pink I came across this one. It is from Ruth’s collection. I can tell, because this piece of pink fabric, which must have started out as a table linen, had her signature yellow pins in it and had been cut.

Ruth was the original up-cycler. She was always taking a piece of fabric that she liked and repurposing it. This pink table cloth for example… it had a couple of spots on it. Aside from that, it’s in great shape. She recognized the value in things, no matter how small the scrap.

And did she have scraps... Ruth had tubs and boxes and bins full of scraps. After her estate sale, I hung onto quite a few. Some of the designs are wacky and fun and full of life. Each time I dig through the box, it’s a little like a treasure hunt… I always find something new.

They all remind me of Ruth. She taught me a lot about sewing, and today finding the pins sent me on a journey down memory lane.

Before we had kids, Monte and I would drive down to Winona to Ruth’s house on Sunday afternoon. We’d head straight for the basement to start sewing. Monte would have a couple of chores to do (mostly light bulbs needing to be changed or something along those lines) and then settle in to watch the game.

Those quiet afternoons sewing in the basement meant so much to me. It taught me that you can learn a lot about a person, without saying much and that you can make something lovely with bits, pieces and scraps that look destined for the trash.

Ruth’s birthday is in April. I don’t know what her exact age would be, but she’d be in her nineties. She’s been gone for a couple of years. Sadly, she never knew Benett or Ellie. I so wish she had know them both. I’m thankful that she did know Gavin. She loved him like a great-grandson, because in her heart, that's what he was.

I miss her… Finding her pins today was like she was right there sewing with me…. Reminding me that, “sewing is 50% ironing.” I happily did a little extra ironing today. Enjoying the smell of freshly ironed fabric and my memories of Ruth.

Bravery

These flowers have me thinking of spring. I'm ready for the snow to be gone and things to start growing again. Mother Nature seems to be taking her sweet time though... we still have drifts in our yard... sigh...

Regardless of the lingering snow, the tulips are reminding me that soon my own flowers will start to send green shoots from the earth. There is something about spring flowers that makes them seem brave. They are so tender and fragile looking, yet they risk the frosty spring weather to be some of the first blooms in the garden.

What inspirational little fellows. Wish I were feeling brave, but the truth is that the tender flowers have me by a long shot these days. Maybe I'll get my gumption back when all the snow is gone and I won't have to worry about risking the frost.

Create

I picked up a new gadget the other day, and now I'm hooked on making iCord. Gavin's even gotten into the mix and has been helping make this knitted rope too.

When the rope is made, I've been knitting that into something else. I love the transformation of it all... yarn to cord to knit. To me, that's just cool. (I know, I know... my definition of 'cool' may need some examination.)

Even though an item may not be especially useful or even practical, the act of creating things is soothing for me. (What does one do with a knitted piece of cord anyway?) I think the kids are soothed as well when they become immersed in a creative activity. I would love to spend my days doing those kinds of things... but for now we get little bits of creating in at night, before bed. I think it's a great way to end the day.

Weather

Poor little Benett. He's under the weather. This time, it's not the messy kind of sick... he's just not feeling as spunky as usual.

He was running a little bit of a temp, so he had to come home from daycare. What he wanted most when we got home was to snuggle and watch Elmo. Normally, I'd do nearly anything to get out of an hour of Elmo... but if Benett is willing to sit still on my lap and cuddle... well in that case, I'm all in.

Rescue

I guess when it boils down to it, we're all looking to be rescued from something. I think that's why fairy tales and the Prince in Shining Armor makes such an appealing figure. The character is strong, confidant and ready for battle... no matter how daunting the foe.

I don't like to think of it as 'battle' but my children are always trying to... well, let's say they're trying to 'express their points of view.' Sometimes that expression gets... loud. Sometimes there are tears. Sometimes tempers flare. It may not be 'battle' but they skirmish, that's for sure.

Ellie being the smallest and less experienced in point-of-view expression, is often in need of rescuing. I had no idea just how much, until we saw her trying to summon her prince... in a most dramatic fashion.

Advise

Although nobody likes to lose control, sometimes it's just easier to have decisions made for you. I find that for me, the more difficult the situation, the more I like to have the decisions made for me. Then all I have to do is roll with the punches.

That's what it must feel like for Benett. Someone is always running his show. If not Monte and me, then it's Gavin. But that's not all bad... for better or worse that's how he's learning right from wrong. What he likes and what he doesn't care for so much.

These days I can relate. But like Benett, it's not all bad. I'm learning lots along the way. Let's just hope that's where the similarities with the two-year-old end...

Search

After all of the preparations, and the festivities themselves, we were ready for a low key day. We found it, under a table playing hide and seek. We found it downstairs on the Wii. We found it in the living room, on the floor while playing with toys.

We were so relaxed that we forgot to turn our clocks ahead. Did you remember?

Sleep

The dishes are clean. The crumbs are swept. The birthday girl is fast asleep, undoubtedly dreaming sweet dreams.

I should be relieved that the dishes are clean and the crumbs are swept... but I'm preoccupied with a heavy heart. I feel like I'll never be the same again. My baby is a year old. And while I'm excited to see what she'll become, I'm misty to think about what she has already outgrown.

Maybe I'll steal an extra kiss tonight and content myself to live each moment with her to its fullest. All the while looking with excitement towards what it is that is coming next.

Serendipity

I wasn't expecting it. I wasn’t even consciously hoping for it. But deep down in my soul I needed a little girl.


Low and behold, one year ago on this day, our little Ellie Page was born. She came into the world chubby and pink, the polar opposite of both of her brothers. They were both small and reserved, dare I say even quiet.


Not Ellie. She came into the world howling.

Despite her noisy entrance, her life in the womb was quiet. She was an easy passenger. She didn’t cause me any nausea. No paralyzing heartburn. My energy level was pretty good for the most part too. She was easy-going. Uncomplicated.

One year later, she’s still easy-going and uncomplicated. She's one of the most content children I've ever known. She’s still chubby and pink - cherubic. I love her. I can’t imagine life without her.

At 9:36 PM tonight, I’ll have been holding Ellie in my arms for exactly one year. But it turns out I've been holding her in my heart for my whole life.

Happy Birthday, Ellie Page. Mommy loves you.